The art of dating when you are in your 40’s is a perilous, soul destroying mission. I blame my misfortune with men on the 'fairy tale factor'... That never ending belief that love conquers all and that one day a prince will come.

Reality isn't even close to the fairy tale. Especially when the prince doesn’t just come with baggage – he comes with a bitter, money grubbing ex-wife clinging to his back like a hump.

I gave it a shot. It sucked. I suffered a potential serial killer teenager who would pick his nose and wipe it on the wall. I gained 15 kilo; became invisible to the world. Yeah; I don’t think I’ll do that again.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Life. It's hard...

Yesterday, due to my depression blog, I heard from the Moodle.  For the first time since oh; at least January.  Maybe Christmas, he emailed me.

He wrote 'i don't usually reject someone's desire not to talk to them and I don't have any idea what drugs you were on then, but I just wanted to tell you to cheer up and remember i'm always there for you.  i'll go back to my room now...'

That single email told me plenty of things.

1.  He's a fool.
2.  He still doesn't punctuate his emails...
3.  I was unaware he had been told to leave me alone (something I don't regret, my Sister loves me and watches out for me).
4.  Sadly, I am stuck with him.

With that one 'I'll go back to my room now...'  I realised that I could live in Tasmania with him.  I could live there for fifty weeks of the year and not get bored!  I could live on any cliff or in any little hovel, because we are the same.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Ups and downs of life...

I've decided that there isn't anything that anyone can do.  The highs and desperate lows I'm experiencing are a part of life.  A part of this illness that sucks me to the end and back; and I don't know if I can take another day.

I haven't had depression since the last catastrophe that is this brain complaint.  I'd had 6 or so operations around the same time at least ten years back, and I didn't understand why where once there was light; now there was beige.  Worse that beige; black.

That time I pulled my life apart and walked away.  I didn't understand... Know.

This time I want to do that too.  I want to buy a little house in Tassie; by the water.  Have some chooks.  My piano.  My computer...  I want to write the days away...

But its a dream...

My life is as hard as it can be.  I want to escape, but is it simply 'new life' or 'running away'..?

So... Day two of the lack of medication is as black as it can be.

Yesterday saw me as high as I could get.
Now today, in the depths of despair!  I want to cry, for no reason!

So, its a waiting game.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Hurry.... Friday!

Well it's Friday.  Yay!

I'm up and off early.  I've got a meeting in Oakleigh with a friend for coffee, who then will go off and play golf.  I'll admit I'm not that much of a golf fan.  I tried to learn it a few years ago; I only liked the 19th hole (I'm not even sure that what the hole is lol) so I think that is my thing.  Even then, I think that is a next year thing since I can't drink alcohol!

Then I'm off to rehab.  Wonder what joys they've got for me today!

Then I'm off to Ivanhoe.

It's nice.  It's strange.  I have to keep myself in check.  I'll throw it all away if I don't.
I'm not unaware that I didn't even like the PI and I ended up crazy about him....   So I figure it is time for me to fall for a guy that is nice.  So I'm taking it slowly, or trying too.

Didn't get to sleep until about 3 am, stupid brain wouldn't shut up.  If I take there medication I'm sleeping about 14 hours a day.  I don't take it; I sleep about 6.  Why can't they have something in between?