Monday, October 24, 2011

Dying of Foot & Mouth Disease

No people.  I’m not dying of the disease; but the Squeeze moves closer to it all the time.  I don’t believe I’ve ever met anyone with less common sense; he literally, should never open his mouth to comment without sitting and putting in thought, writing it down, reading it out loud and checking it twice.
He doesn’t understand how some of his comments can be misconstrued; I don’t understand how he can’t know beyond the shadow of a doubt, how the recipient is going to receive his astounding comments.

Perhaps it is the passage of time that means I don’t dwell or Rubik’s Cube them as much as I would once have.  I mean Hell, some utterly outlandish things have leapt from his mouth and caused me torment for days before further discussion makes me realise it’s not what I’m thinking – he is just a moron in the art of romance.

And let’s face it; I could pull some doozies out of my head without putting any real thought into at all.  The piece de résistance came while sitting to watch a romantic comedy one night; he quite likes the genre, for all his bungling romantic ways.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: “Do you believe that we all have a soul mate?  And if so, do you think we get just one or more than one..?”
Squeeze:  “Oh I think you only get one in a lifetime.”
Me [with somewhat dispirited voice and approaching frozen expression]: “Oh.  Who was yours..?”
Squeeze:  “Hmm” [several seconds of mulling time] “that would be ‘Hausfrau’ [yeah, that isn’t her real name, it is a nickname I choose to use that was actually initiated by her uncle J
So; you only get one soul mate; and he had already had his.  Does that mean I can go home now..?
Adding insult to injury was the fact that it wasn’t even the Harridan I was competing with!  You would like to think that if there was a soul mate running around out there that it would at least be the wife; mother of his children!  And when all is said and done, I didn’t have to worry about her, because I know and see exactly what she thinks of him – and soul mate isn’t exactly at the top of my list.
It was some Hausfrau from his youth who effectively ruined his life by rigging a competition her company was running, so that he won a trip to the states.  How did this ruin his life..?  Because the fool was offered a writing job with a television network and he knocked it back to go on a holiday.  Yes.. Yes… I’ve repeatedly said he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.
So you can see how he gets himself into trouble such as last week.  Firstly, I’ve never been motivated by money and couldn’t care less what he has or has not; as long as he isn’t relying on me to support him.   I was surprised that he didn’t know this about me, and in fact, I think he does; which means that it was about him clinging to some semblance of freedom.
I’m okay with that.  I have my own ‘freedom clinging’ rules.  Chief among those is ‘don’t ever come home and tell me the kid 1, kid 2 (and partner) or kid 3 are moving in’; or he will be finding a place for him to move with them.  I’ve done my share of child rearing and I’m not taking on any of this lot.  I have enough drama with my own!
And I’ve had to remind him of this over the last week or so…
I’m getting the distinct impression that Kid 1 has an issue with our relationship/harridan divorce; given his snappiness on Grand Final day and since then, the single invitations continue to come in for the Squeeze. 
Kid 3, whom we had on the weekend, has a hygiene problem that I’m uncertain how to address.  Yesterday I resorted to lumping the Squeeze in with him so as not to single the kid out and embarrass him.  As in: “I hate to trample on the beliefs of your cult, but Kid, if you want a girlfriend – start showering!  You!  If you want to keep a girlfriend, start showering!” 
And the “code red’, upper most in my mind:  Kid 2 and his girlfriend gave notice at the place they are living “clean freak hell II”, without having secured one to move to.  Now with just one week to go and still no place to move to, I’ve told the Squeeze that since the Harridan moved and has extra room – she can have them!
All in all, our life is pretty much perfect.  Or it would be if we won lotto and moved to another country!

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Thanks. Better check it out but it should be up today!