Snap

I feel like I’m sitting in the middle of a card game.  Could be ‘snap’, but the level of stress that evolves in this game, would indicate it is more likely ‘strip poker’.  

Hell, last night’s stress sent me into a vertigo migraine today that knocked me on my arse.  They are weird little things, the VM’s.  I’d not had one until a month or so ago.  They actually have me staggering.  So I staggered off to St Kilda Road to see my acupuncturist and then staggered my way around Chadstone to order my iPhone 4S and I’m sure anyone watching me would have thought “sheesh, early in the morning to be drinking… Isn’t it?”

Anyhow, back to the card game.  Why am I here?  I’ve no idea really.  All I know is that I’m sitting at the table, playing cards; and the Squeeze doesn’t have all his cards on the table.  He has a bag at his feet with things hidden inside.

So, could this be my imagination?  No.  I’m quite attuned to my surroundings; I have good instincts.  Besides, suddenly changing passwords, computers now shut; when you add a degree of secrecy – well any fool could see that the dynamics have changed.

I’m not talking about an affair.  I suspect it is about a need to keep some areas of his life closed off to me.  And typing those words made me actually feel the stress escalate – because I don’t trust 'hidden'.  What that generally means is decisions made behind my back; lies.  And 'hidden' to cover the lies.

And I’m not interested in a life with someone that will lie to me and hide things from me.  I trust him with all areas of my life; if I don’t receive the same, then what is the point?

What happens now?  Well I guess I start to shut down; because the only way I can live the life he wants, where I’m kept in the dark, have no opinion – is if I don’t love him.  He can’t have it both ways I’m afraid.