Saturday, May 24, 2014

Tough Week

I’ve done it tough this week.   I had my first birthday without my Dad.   In reality, I probably wouldn’t have seen him on my birthday anyway; but I’d have heard his voice.  He would have wished me a happy birthday… Told me he loved me.  I am surprised at how difficult this has been; for me and my fellow 12129ers - we have become a protective circle.  But there has been family angst; I guess because people handle grief differently.

So the day started out with tears; less than ideal really.

Usually, on my birthday, I take the day off work.  Not this year.  Instead, I went to work, put my head down and worked through; ignoring my swirling head.  I got phone calls and texts and good wishes.  I had plans to go out to dinner with the girl; and the kids put in and purchased me life drawing lessons with an artist in the next block – who I might add, sounded like my kind of person and I can safely assume we will be friends in no time.

In the afternoon, I received an email from the ex-squeeze and that put a cloud over my world; in fact, it is still weighing heavily on my mind.

As a general rule, he writes short, unpunctuated sentences that barely make sense.  Were I not a Gemini and so apt to leap conversations wildly, I don’t think I’d ever work out what he is saying.  This email was lengthy.  It was punctuated.  This was an indication that he had thought about what he wanted to say; tossed over words.  Highly unusual for him.

And I felt all of what he said.

I laughed when he knew I would.  I wanted to reply with equal banter.  I missed him; I missed what we had.  What we had before he became a stranger and a lied to me.  Before he decided that the Harridan and a manipulative teenager who picked his nose and wiped it on my walls were worth more than what we had.  But even as I missed him, I knew that I couldn’t go back to that.  

I couldn't be with or be friends with someone who was deceitful; who held hidden conversations with the harridan, that he knew would end our world..

It really wrecked my week.  Even though I miss him and our friendship; we can't be friends. Not now at least.  I don't know what the future holds; but I just don't see it.  I expect the same in all my relationships; honesty.

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Thanks. Better check it out but it should be up today!