Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Big Girls Don't Cry

This weekend, I walked around the house like a ghost.  I tried to read; tried to write… But I just couldn’t settle.  For the first time since moving house, I was lonely, teary and fidgety. 

I couldn’t work out why I was feeling so miserable.  Generally, I’m comfortable in my own skin; content with my own company.  Yet the feeling of loss escalated until I was like a cat on a hot tin roof.  To take my mind off it, I set out for the Classic Cinema mid-afternoon to catch a movie. 

I went on my own which I’ll admit; I force myself to do on occasion.  I think it’s supposed to empower me.  It doesn’t work.  Mostly, I hover in a corner until I can slink into the theatre and sit in the darkness but even then, I’m waiting for someone to look up, point and yell ‘lonely loser alert!!!’.  I can almost picture it; as I drag my carcass out of the theatre, hunching my shoulders against the barrage of abuse and possibly rotten vegetables thrown by the villagers.

As it happens, there was no villager riots and the movie was a rather amusing vampire comedy that did dull the sensation of ‘blues cloak’ that I had previously worn.  The blessed relief of laughter did not last.  As the credits rolled I was already leaving the theatre and I realised that I’d embarked upon a rather large outing without actually speaking to another living soul.  Hell, I purchased the ticket online and had to do no more than push my phone towards the ticket checker and may have offered them a nod or a brief smile, but certainly no conversation.

By Sunday morning, the roller coaster was zooming down to a full on panic attack or a desire to throw myself down the stairs.  Instead, I threw on some runners and walked.  By the time I got home I realised that this was my own fault.  Somewhat stupidly, I had opened the door and let the Squeeze back in…

We are mature adults.  Best friends – or at least we were.  Why couldn’t we be again..? And when the door opened a crack, it creaked open further and further until our email exchange became of flood of flirty ‘carry on’ down and dirty emails - of around one hundred for the week.  That didn’t count the skype messages or text messages or sitting at my dining table and laughing our heads off like old times.  Even as I drifted into an exhausted sleep on Friday night, he was still sending emails.

The conversations had been growing over the last month or so; now it had reached avalanche proportions.  What this meant to me of course was that the budding romance had died a death and we could be friends again.  I didn’t think he would suddenly develop a dose of humanity or an ability to love or that we would skip into the sunset to live happily ever after; but somewhat stupidly, I did think that maybe, there was a chance we could be friends again.

On Saturday morning, all contact stopped.  I finally sent an email on Monday evening to say “are you dead..?”  It took four direct emails before I pushed through his evasive avoidance of my dating question and I finally sent a single line to say 'are you dating???' Frankly, between work and our comms avalanche, I couldn't see where he would find the time. Then I got back: “I am seeing someone, I told you that..”

WTF? What had the last week or so been about then..?

Seriously, I knew he was weak, but I didn’t figure him for a player.  Good luck to her is all I can say because the life she has signed up for is even uglier than the one I had!  At least I had fidelity! 

So he selfishly coaxed me away from a path of change and like a fool, I allowed it. All to make himself feel good - and screw the fact the in taking his 'upper', he plunged me into despair!  Obviously the poor woman that took my place is seeing the relationship for what it is (keep a measure of delusion that he can change) and kicked him to the kerb for a week. I was the bandaide to help his poor battered ego. What a selfish Dick!

Well I won’t let that happen again.  He is dead to me.  No…  We can’t be friends.  We will never be friends again because friends don't use and abuse friendships like that.  Friends don't hurt you. Mess with your heart and mind. 

And me..?  I am catching up with the cute builder tonight for dinner. I'm spending the weekend down the coast.  I signed up for life drawing classes that start in October (nude male model if you don’t mind) and this morning, I was up and jogging at 6am. 

No time for tears; because as we all know: 

I did toss up using this one; because I did love Glee when Cory was there :'(

But in all honesty.... it's a wanky song :)

Can we still be friends....

I guess I've discovered that no...  No we can't be friends.  :'(

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Don’t you walk away!!!

The other morning, I awoke to a facebook message from a girlfriend at some ungodly 5am hour.  ‘Update your blog! I’m bored!’

I’m not sure who can be bored at 5am when there is sleeping to be done, and later in the day, I replied to say ‘there is nothing to blog about!’ And the reality is there were no new dates this weekend.  No one was rocking my world; I didn’t move any closer to the elusive ‘wild thing’ with anyone.

Wynette; this one is for you…

Today, while walking and reflecting to the sound of Diamond Dogs done Moulin Rouge style, I realised my life is a world more than blogging about some noodle headed spineless ex or a guy with Miss Daisy driving skills who had the potential to get me killed in a freak road rage incident; or even the stream of tic tac teeth, fungus fingers or impotent guitarists…

Dating a Hunchback began as a tale of woe.  Single women dating when in their 40’s and worse, dating morons that haven’t/can’t/won’t get their shit together.  And maybe that is my lot.  Maybe I’m not destined to be with someone and if that’s the case, I can’t see me no longer blogging – which means getting my act together!

Somewhat weirdly, I’m enjoying work at the moment.   Still, I applied for a job yesterday.  Why?  I need a house; which means I need to earn more money; or at least leave where I am, take all my leave as cash and put that towards my deposit.

The dating scene is quiet and I’m not chasing it.  I am talking to a builder (bring on that tool belt) who lives in Geelong and we may catch up next weekend when I go down to stay with my sister.  I quite like him too; he is my kind of people with similar family and 'tough love' kid values.

As for the title of the blog; I loved this song in my youth:

I noticed that she is playing at the Caravan Club – and I plan to be there.  I haven’t worked out who I’m going to go with as yet since my usual gig buddy is out of the country - but I have two tickets in my hot little hand and even if I have to go on my own – I’m going!

Annoying really that I basically introduced the ex to my gig world; and he introduced his friends.  Now they all go and I have no one to go with.  :'(

Other than that, life is relatively simple.  I even caught up with the ‘ex Squeeze’ through the week and gave him several boxes of records that I didn’t want.  It’s annoying.  I really like him as a person.  Why can't I hate him?  It' would be easier.

As an aside, I do think he is morphing into me.  I move to an amp and speakers, ridding myself of the preamp.  He does.  I get a Pro-ject turntable.  He does.  I get new headphones - he has to! I get a red car – he does! (admittedly, mine is way better and looking his interior just makes me want to sing Scottish songs!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Season Seven

In a break from dating; Sons of Anarchy season seven started last night.

Jax... wow; even as a psycho... he's hot.

No matter how bad it gets; how over the top it is - there is there never ending addition to my list of music.  Hell, I've got some gems out of SOA.  Deadstring Brothers was one of my favourites.

Last night it was The Forest Rangers with this gem: Bohemian Rhapsody.  I could listen to these guys all day; and night!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Table of Shame; Updated

The list grows....

Dating Update!!

Yep.  You guessed it...  I feel as though I'm on a merry go around they are coming and going so fast!

You may wonder what the problem was this time. Well, try the alarming number of short term women he would appear to have dated (and slept with); and add to that, his penchant to tell me about them.

He talks too much. I didn't think it was possible that anyone on the planet could talk more than me. He does! Wow; I at least can do moments of silence! Throw in a goodly whack of velvet, a bit of vegetarianism and a dose of "let's move in together!" and I'm literally running mock two with my hair on fire.

Far too scatty for me, and that's saying something!

So we go back to the drawing board. Okay, we are a step closer; at least I've now been kissed! But at this rate, I figure I'll be classified as a virgin again in about 6.3 years :(

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The World Changes…

It’s funny.  One minute I’m in ‘likelihood of date two is zero’ land and documenting photos of how freaking horrendous it is out there.  The next, I’m walking hand in hand through the park after a three hour breakfast, sitting on a park bench and kissing someone.  Yeah.  Weird.  I haven’t kissed anyone other than the ex for years and years.

Where will it go..?  No idea.  I know I’ve hidden my profile, so I guess I won’t be throwing any weirdo rows on my table of horrors for a while.

Who is he..?  He is a 6’3” (I could wear any damned shoes in my wardrobe and still come out 8-10 inches shorter than him).  He is intelligent.  Into music (has vinyl and hates country!)  An incredibly fit gardener who is as slim as he is tall…  Swims every day so good shoulders and I’ll assume, tight butt.  Lives on the coast but is moving back to Ormond in a couple of months.

He told me from the start he’s not rich, which seriously doesn’t bother me in the slightest.  They just have to want to aim towards a future; then picked me up in a brand new Audi.  He has three kids, all intelligent; two ex-wives – each of whom he can sit and break bread with and after two dates, would appear to be crazy about me.  Thinks I’m gorgeous!  Incredibly beautiful, smart and funny!  Wants to hold my hand while we walk down the street!

But…. He is a bit of a velvet wearer.  He does drink (thank God) but is a vegetarian – yet not averse to anyone else being a total carnivore [thank God!]  Doesn’t take medicine if it can be avoided, preferring alternate medicine (God, I’m dating the Harridan); is a lefty sigh; is somewhat sensitive and looking to the stars and horoscopes!

How weird.  I'm going out with myself!  Just a way more intense version than I! I remember sitting in the movie theatre with the Squeeze early on and him laughing because we hadn't even got past the shorts and I was crying...  I suspect I will be the Squeeze in this relationship.  Now this ought to be interesting!

Can it last?  No idea, but I think I’m keen to find out!

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Kill Me Now; I’m single...

Although I have been in ‘probably second date Siberia’, I continue on my quest.  I don’t need the ‘love of my life’ or even the ‘move right in’ guy.  I would just like someone who I connect with, that’s happy to go on the odd date to see a band and or be the partner at all those couple functions that come up – that I continue to attend alone!

I feel as though I’ve been on a merry go around; and each date is actually some giant fist that flies out of a darkened corner to knock me off the ride.  Ohhhhh and some of them have been like a punch to the face.

I decided I would start a little table to keep track of just who the Hell is out there in the land of “Kill Me Now; I’m single!” [below] and I will maintain it.  Down the track it will provide me with hours of entertainment!

On a separate note, I caught up with the ex-Squeeze yesterday.  In some ways, I feel as though I’ve got my best friend back.  He is a damned fool because I loved him and was great for him; but hey, that isn’t my problem anymore and it won’t stop me from building a future with someone, when I get past the hurdle of those on my list that I would rather suck my own eye out with a straw than have another date with!

Yes, yes.  I’m a horrible person; shocking.  Except like me, they are putting themselves out there…  Just like I am.  I'm probably on a blog somewhere, exaggerating my gap...

Upside is that I did have a date today...  So far, he is ringing the bells.  No major issues.  We are catching up tomorrow for breakfast....

Monday, September 1, 2014


I wagged today.  I just needed a day to myself.  Not that I achieved much.  I spent hours attempting to eradicate a virus from my computer; I have no idea why these morons develop this crap, it's so annoying.  I also went for an interview; it would freak me out if I actually get to the next round but hey ho, sometimes you've got to throw your hat in the ring.  I always feel like an idiot at these things which is kind of weird, considering I actually do know my job.

So.  The weekend.  Hmm the date on Saturday…  I don’t know why one person attracts and one doesn’t, but I am struggling to meet anyone who ticks the boxes.  It’s not like there are that many boxes to tick!  I don't have a never ending list of demands for crying out loud.  Just normal stuff.  Literate. Funny. Not married. Not a woman. Likes music. That should have a pool of about 3 million guys you'd imagine... But no. 

So in the world of dating; then there was none.

Yesterday, I went to a record fair which the 'Record Guy' had told me about.  I grabbed several Stones albums and a fantastic Maryanne Faithful; so much for saving…

I’m not sure where they advertise a record fair but I’ve never seen one advertised before.  This one was like the Boxing Day sales rush!  There were boxes and tables and more tables and more boxes!!!  Records!  Everything you could want, including a record cleaning service.  There were young, old, tattooed!  It was fantastic.

At least my record empire grows.   I was there about three minutes when I got a “hi” text from the 'Record Guy' (frankly, I was surprised he saw me in the crowd but I may have been the only blonde!)  I did seek him out to say hi and grab a bag of records he had set aside for me; it was kind of like a drug deal…  Bag comes out from under the counter; money exchanges hands…  Fun.

The fair was full on and packed to the rafters so I didn’t get to spend more than three minutes talking to him but in those three minutes, I remembered why I had said yes to going out with him in the first place.  Not typically good looking (leave it to me to like someone ‘unusual’) but “something” there.  I guess you'd call it chemistry!  (yay!)

On my drive home I got a text from him to say “you looked fantastic today” which started more to and fro in the land of text.   Now we are going out Wednesday night.  Should be interesting…  I’m still uncertain about that whole 6-7 years younger; but that is just maybe where you have to go if you want someone interesting, into music and still fully functioning in all the areas that count  ;)  

Since then, it’s been raining prospective dates…

I awoke to two emails this morning, both from pleasant looking, normal type men that had obviously read my profile (rather than trying the shotgun tactic); one of which I have been having a great time in email land with!  Then one from a fifty year old attractive lesbian;  (Maybe if she had of sent that after the date with 'Driving Miss Daisy', lol, but not quite ready to give up just yet.)  Then one from a tubby forty-something married guy - they don't have a generic reply that says "Dear Moron, I guess you didn't read my profile.  I hope your dick drops off. Good luck in your search!"

Snap.  Do I really have to go back to work tomorrow…?