The art of dating when you are in your 40’s is a perilous, soul destroying mission. I blame my misfortune with men on the 'fairy tale factor'... That never ending belief that love conquers all and that one day a prince will come.
Reality isn't even close to the fairy tale. Especially when the prince doesn’t just come with baggage – he comes with a bitter, money grubbing ex-wife clinging to his back like a hump.
I'm sick of the up and down of brain "injury" [read brain damaged]. I mean if no one knew I was brain damaged, you would probably meet me for the first time, and think I was normal. That in itself, can be frustrating!
I'm sick of beginning each conversation with "hello!! I have brain damage!" just so as the get it!
Oh well. I keep trying at work even though its exhausting and I'm probably not much value. I can't concentrate on more than one thing, and even then its a struggle...
Life is funny. I'm back at work, and I think I could handle more hours. I'm tired, but I suspect I was tired before I went to that fateful "we'll just close this shunt off and see..." last November.
Today I got to work by quarter to eight. I feel happy. Relatively so anyhow. I'm feeling the love at work which is nice. Far better than my boss who just doesn't know that your supposed to care about other people! I had the chief medical officer come and ask how I was and the director of radiology came up while I was getting my coffee. It felt good; although I cringed when the radiology guy said he been up to see my twice but I was asleep! (More like I was out of it and I didn't want them to remember me like that!)
No drinking again; I'm always clear headed when I totally abstain. The other day I drank with a friend and I was retarded the next day (or gave the appearance of it!). So alcohol I can have only when someone comes around, and I have to really limit myself on a work night.
As for the 51 year old; player. Don't think I will see him again. Probably just as well...
I'm beginning to think I would just do better with my girlfriends...
I don't know who it is that knows. I don't care. But I bought 2 tickets to the Models tonight!
Yay! They were so good when I saw them last time. In fact the last time I saw them was one of the last times I went out with the Squeeze and the Carlton Crew. We had such fun, groovin and rockin our arse's off. It was one of the last times that the Squeeze felt like he belonged; at least wanted to belong.
I remember the first time I saw them. I was 21, dressed like a cool twenties type woman. I was incredibly thin. Madly in love with my ex-husband no 2.
Now this time I go with the man of the moment. And if not him, then one of my girlfriends. In the end, they are probably worth more anyhow!
I'm going to sleep in tomorrow morning... And I can't wait. Literally!
So where am I at the moment..?
Well I'm at work; 4 days a week for 4 hours. Monday was a God awful day. I couldn't think. I couldn't manage to capture my thoughts! I wanted to drag a leg through the town square and yell "I am not an animal!" I felt so retarded! Today; was good! I managed to capture my thoughts and do some PR.
Just before I left, the "guy of the moment" (he hasn't a nick name that fits so far) said he was experiencing withdrawals (nice!!!) and wanted to see me before our date on Friday. Since I was leaving in any case, I thought I'd say "2pm. See you at the place with the yellow chairs" in Oakleigh.
He was there...
I like him more each time I see him. Everything is easy; nice.
And I haven't rushed. Wonder if it still will be when we sleep together!
The man of the moment didn't come last night. Instead I drank and sulked and watched the football with the girl. Which was good; only my little sister and I picked them so I left a spray on everyone else's footy tipping page! He was sick (so much for the man of the moment!)
I got up early with the girl and we went to Victorian Market, had a bite to eat. Then we shopped! Retail therapy always makes it feel better! Followed by handing out a cv in Oakleigh (not me, the daughter) and another coffee.
Tonight, I cooked pizza; did the housework, changed the bed and now I'm waiting for it to be over!
Tonight the new friend is coming over. It's too soon to call him a boyfriend, even if he was of age lol.
I'm cooking pizza. Mainly because the daughter is home (oh why didn't she go out!). Coming in. civilized... Eating a meal. And he has manners; so much so that I'm not sure what to do or say. I started drinking about four o'clock, then nervous, I stopped. Now I'm drinking again.
Today is my day off; and it is bloody freezing!!! But my brain is feeling, if not better - then definitely pretty bloody good!
I feel fantastic! More so than anything else is the fact that I am no longer myself. I like the fact that I'm no longer careening from the depths of despair to the absolute highs of life. I'm normal! Well I would be if I didn't have a brain injury.
Amazing! The emails I got about finishing the blog... So many that I decided to limp along for a while. I mean surely I would come across a new Squeeze sooner or later. Right?
Granted the new Squeeze may not be 4'6'', highly amusing and 61 yo. But maybe he wouldn't be as hard work either; and I mean hard! He probably wouldn't have an ex-wife (who was only an ex because I insisted). He would have a savings plan. Neither would he have a kid that picks his nose and wipes it on the wall as a "in your face bitch!" - but Hell, I'd find one... wouldn't I?
I was never going to fall in 'Lust/Love at First Site'.
I didn't believe in it anyhow. Look at the past! The PI who after 2 months got me fall down dead drunk and ended up in bed with him, wanting to gnaw my arm off rather than wake him up in the morning. Somehow from there, I was madly in love after three months....
The rest of them happened the same. The Squeeze was 11 years! It was like waking up one morning and the dog talks to you!
But then I'd never met him...
6'1" (I'm only 5'7")
Swims daily (read great body)
51 yo (younger than me by 2 years!! Well almost!)
Plays guitar & mandolin.
Doctor (not where I work either!)
Crazy. He likes me.
and to make it even more ridiculous, I like him! A lot! I'm going to my sisters the weekend after next - and thinking about asking him!